As silly as it may seem, I am constantly baffled by the life I lead. It is nothing like the life I had dreamed for myself at 12 years old... and if I am honest, I feel a bit crotchety about the fact that society sets up expectations and a timeline that every unique individual should follow. (What a set up!)
At 12, I thought I would have been Homecoming Queen my senior year (although it was truly no goal of mine; it's just what I thought was supposed to happen!), I would have graduated with a BA in English or something in the four years following high school, while meeting the love of my life and interning at the place that would fulfill all of my most ambitious career goals. I would have been married by 25, kids by 27, and then work part-time with babies in tow, living out my days happily in my cottage-like dream home along the river's edge. My husband would dote on me and my babies, we would have regular game nights with our friends and their kids, and life would carry out beautifully.
I did not expect to:
be socked with crippling manic depression.
have one personal issue after another, from the age of 12 to 33.
lose so many loved ones to death and... life/growth.
know so many doctors or medications.
experience paralyzing panic attacks at the idea of getting out of bed or facing people.
lose my faith... or regain it.
not know what I wanted to do with my life.
not meet the man I wanted to marry until I was 33 years old.
be a single mother... twice over.
get my heart broken so many times.
navigate the ins and outs of the legal system.
have a lawyer on speed dial.
feel so lost.
expect to feel like a failure.
cry so many tears.
hurt so much.
feel so much guilt for not being what I was "supposed" to.
My life is nothing what I expected. Although it sometimes feels stunning and disappointing, mostly I am just grateful. I have had huge opportunities to learn and grow as a human. I have learned more empathy, consideration, and love than I ever knew I needed. I have learned (am learning) self love, respect, and worth. I have learned sacrifice, heart break, healing, and rising stronger. I have learned that it is always darkest before the dawn. Maybe my life isn't what I expected or dreamed, but it is everything I have ever needed. The route I had planned and dreamed for my life certainly would not have brought me these learning tools, these experiences, and while there has been a ton of pain, there has been even more joy. There has been even more love and gratitude than I ever dreamed for myself. I would consider myself lucky. I thought I knew what I wanted or needed, but I didn't. And while I have spent so many years pulling away from the pain and disappointments, resisting the heart ache and tragedy, I have finally learned to surrender to it. God has a plan for me and my life far greater than the one I dreamed for myself. I am learning to lean in a bit and trust His plan a whole lot more and I know, now, that the Universe will always catch me. In those darkest of nights, when I doubt if I can hold on any longer, I know... I know that this is part of the divine plan and if I just let go, God is waiting there among the stars to catch me.
Monday, September 10, 2018
Tuesday, September 4, 2018
Family
This past Labor Day weekend, my mom's side of the family had a get together at my parent's home over the weekend. It felt important. It was the first time we were all together since my aunt's passing last fall. My mother has lost both of her parents and three of her four siblings, so in some ways it feels like our family is shrinking. In other ways, it feels like love is expanding us.
My mom's side of the family has always been quite close. Other than my grandparents, divorces have been minimal and it wasn't until I was 8 or 9 before I knew which aunt/uncle was actually my mom's sibling. It didn't matter; my aunts and uncles were around for the long haul and whether they were related by blood or marriage did not matter. It felt like an affirmation of that this weekend. I have not yet determined if the warmth and love this weekend had more to do with my inner changes or those of my family. Regardless, my mom's side of the family has always been tender with each other, ready with hugs, love, jokes, and acceptance. We are no novices to sorrow but, that too has its beauty. We are safe with each other, tender to the best of our ability with each other's grief and loss and... healing.
Sunday evening, a few of us that were left at the farm gathered around a campfire in my parents back yard. It was very dark, we could hear the crickets and coyotes and the flames crackling. We reminisced, laughed, told jokes. I stared at the stars, a bit stunned that I had forgotten that there are so many. I focused on the ground beneath my feet and the space between the top of my head and the stars and felt such connection. I thought about a conversation with Ruby I had not long after my aunt Liane had passed. Ruby had asked me what I thought happened to us when we die. Curious, I turned the question back to her. She said she thought we become stars, and every night our loved ones look down on us, look out for us. That theory feels more like truth than any other theory I have heard. I imagined the stars as my family members. It hurt a little to think there were so many stars and so few around the campfire. I considered sharing Ruby's theory with our little commune that night, but I did not want to cast a sad tone.
So, I asked Liane to be there with us and soon I could feel her. I wondered if anyone else could feel her there with us. I could feel my grandparents and uncles and cousin there too, although they stood back. They watched and smiled. I think they knew. Liane is happy. She misses us like we miss her but she's happy. I thanked her for being with me these challenging months and for being with us that evening. I let her be to enjoy her time with us and I could feel her peace.
My mom's side of the family has always been quite close. Other than my grandparents, divorces have been minimal and it wasn't until I was 8 or 9 before I knew which aunt/uncle was actually my mom's sibling. It didn't matter; my aunts and uncles were around for the long haul and whether they were related by blood or marriage did not matter. It felt like an affirmation of that this weekend. I have not yet determined if the warmth and love this weekend had more to do with my inner changes or those of my family. Regardless, my mom's side of the family has always been tender with each other, ready with hugs, love, jokes, and acceptance. We are no novices to sorrow but, that too has its beauty. We are safe with each other, tender to the best of our ability with each other's grief and loss and... healing.
Sunday evening, a few of us that were left at the farm gathered around a campfire in my parents back yard. It was very dark, we could hear the crickets and coyotes and the flames crackling. We reminisced, laughed, told jokes. I stared at the stars, a bit stunned that I had forgotten that there are so many. I focused on the ground beneath my feet and the space between the top of my head and the stars and felt such connection. I thought about a conversation with Ruby I had not long after my aunt Liane had passed. Ruby had asked me what I thought happened to us when we die. Curious, I turned the question back to her. She said she thought we become stars, and every night our loved ones look down on us, look out for us. That theory feels more like truth than any other theory I have heard. I imagined the stars as my family members. It hurt a little to think there were so many stars and so few around the campfire. I considered sharing Ruby's theory with our little commune that night, but I did not want to cast a sad tone.
So, I asked Liane to be there with us and soon I could feel her. I wondered if anyone else could feel her there with us. I could feel my grandparents and uncles and cousin there too, although they stood back. They watched and smiled. I think they knew. Liane is happy. She misses us like we miss her but she's happy. I thanked her for being with me these challenging months and for being with us that evening. I let her be to enjoy her time with us and I could feel her peace.
Monday, August 20, 2018
Soul shift
The last year has been the most tumultuous of my life and a majority of the tumult has been internal. I have been ruminating on all the changes going on inside of me and wonder if I can even put so much of it into words. It has been happening on a smaller scale for a few years now, and external events of this past year seem to be the catalyst to really shift my inner world into something different. I would love to say it is an awakening, but at this point it only feels like devastation. There are pieces, nay, chunks of me that are breaking away and at times it is the most painful and scary process.
In so many ways, I feel like a different person. I do not care much about pop culture any more. I can't tell you what movies are out, what tv shows are popular, or which actresses are married to which actors. I have only a hint of the popular music now only due to my music-loving 6 y/o and our 10 minute commute morning and evening, where she insists the radio be at the most optimum volume, so that it is not too quiet that you can't feel the vibrations in your back, but not too loud to drown out her singing along. I have not picked up a magazine other than National Geographic in years. It holds absolutely no interest for me anymore, where 10 years ago, I loved keeping up on the entertainment industry. I had piles of fashion magazines mailed to me each month. I have stopped caring about that world 100%. Along with that is the shedding away of "masks" so-to-speak. I do not care about fashion anymore. I do not dye my hair (at least until the grays come in full force!), and wear only minimum makeup. I do not fake-bake anymore or wear fake nails or 4-inch heels. I do still want to appear clean, professional, and modern, but not at the expense of hours of upkeep or the detriment of my bank account. I cringe at the money I must have spent for years, piling on the fake to look like the ideal version of beauty shown in magazines (and still, failing miserably). I have decided that I do not want to look like anyone else. I want to look like me.
Those types of things feel like stuff that only distract us from important things. Important things like stories, history, growth, creativity, passion and dreams. None of those important things can be found outside of ourselves. Watching a story on a big screen is nothing like the story of my life and using my story to help me grow and become a better human being.
Daily I become more conscious of what I put on and in my body. Some days that means eating cleaner, some days it means eating junk and thinking about how I should be eating cleaner! Always now, that recognition is there. My body has been telling me since Day 1 what it needs to feel its best and for so long I did not know. Then, came the day that I knew but still ignored my body to care for my emotional needs. Now, there has been a shift where I can feel my body speaking to me, telling me what it needs, and I follow her voice. I am working to stop ignoring her pleas.
I have been meditating on and off for years, but only recently have I been losing myself during meditation. It feels as though my spirit leaves the Earth; that I stop existing. It is the most astonishing feeling and there is a magic somewhere there. I have yet to figure out where my Soul goes but I can feel something big. There is a Presence in me now that I can recognize and feel. When I listen to her, I feel calm, peaceful despite the chaos going on around me. And many, many days my emotions run so wild and my brain will not stop chattering long enough that I can feel the Presence, but it is something I am working on.
Most events outside of me hold no interest anymore. Awakening to my bigger purpose, becoming a more evolved human, and other people's souls are about all that can snag my attention anymore. I have no more interest in stuff, or gossip, or things... There are bigger things in this world to ponder and cultivate and that is all I have time or mental energy for now.
It feels like all the false junk breaking away so that I can feel and know who I truly am. But even that sentence does not fully describe all the work and realization and pain happening inside of me. It is unlike anything I have ever experienced before and I am scared. But even still, I surrender to this shift and I curiously await whatever lies ahead of me.
In so many ways, I feel like a different person. I do not care much about pop culture any more. I can't tell you what movies are out, what tv shows are popular, or which actresses are married to which actors. I have only a hint of the popular music now only due to my music-loving 6 y/o and our 10 minute commute morning and evening, where she insists the radio be at the most optimum volume, so that it is not too quiet that you can't feel the vibrations in your back, but not too loud to drown out her singing along. I have not picked up a magazine other than National Geographic in years. It holds absolutely no interest for me anymore, where 10 years ago, I loved keeping up on the entertainment industry. I had piles of fashion magazines mailed to me each month. I have stopped caring about that world 100%. Along with that is the shedding away of "masks" so-to-speak. I do not care about fashion anymore. I do not dye my hair (at least until the grays come in full force!), and wear only minimum makeup. I do not fake-bake anymore or wear fake nails or 4-inch heels. I do still want to appear clean, professional, and modern, but not at the expense of hours of upkeep or the detriment of my bank account. I cringe at the money I must have spent for years, piling on the fake to look like the ideal version of beauty shown in magazines (and still, failing miserably). I have decided that I do not want to look like anyone else. I want to look like me.
Those types of things feel like stuff that only distract us from important things. Important things like stories, history, growth, creativity, passion and dreams. None of those important things can be found outside of ourselves. Watching a story on a big screen is nothing like the story of my life and using my story to help me grow and become a better human being.
Daily I become more conscious of what I put on and in my body. Some days that means eating cleaner, some days it means eating junk and thinking about how I should be eating cleaner! Always now, that recognition is there. My body has been telling me since Day 1 what it needs to feel its best and for so long I did not know. Then, came the day that I knew but still ignored my body to care for my emotional needs. Now, there has been a shift where I can feel my body speaking to me, telling me what it needs, and I follow her voice. I am working to stop ignoring her pleas.
I have been meditating on and off for years, but only recently have I been losing myself during meditation. It feels as though my spirit leaves the Earth; that I stop existing. It is the most astonishing feeling and there is a magic somewhere there. I have yet to figure out where my Soul goes but I can feel something big. There is a Presence in me now that I can recognize and feel. When I listen to her, I feel calm, peaceful despite the chaos going on around me. And many, many days my emotions run so wild and my brain will not stop chattering long enough that I can feel the Presence, but it is something I am working on.
Most events outside of me hold no interest anymore. Awakening to my bigger purpose, becoming a more evolved human, and other people's souls are about all that can snag my attention anymore. I have no more interest in stuff, or gossip, or things... There are bigger things in this world to ponder and cultivate and that is all I have time or mental energy for now.
It feels like all the false junk breaking away so that I can feel and know who I truly am. But even that sentence does not fully describe all the work and realization and pain happening inside of me. It is unlike anything I have ever experienced before and I am scared. But even still, I surrender to this shift and I curiously await whatever lies ahead of me.
Monday, August 6, 2018
Tuesday, January 23, 2018
Penguins
Last night, on the car ride home:
R: Mommy, do you know how penguins go potty?M: Hmm, never thought of that before. I have no idea.R: They spray their pee out from them.M: Really? I suppose it makes sense, if they peed normally, they'd have to stand in it and probably get frozen feet.R: Yeah, we saw a video of it today, and one penguin peed and sprayed another penguin and we laughed so much!M: Gross! >laughing<R: >laughing<R: Yeah, they can spray their pee from about here to the other window (points to the side window in the car)M: Well, that's further than I can spray my pee.R: >silence< (I look in the rear view mirror to see she's laughing so hard she isn't making noise) Mommy, you are hilarious!!M: How do they poop?R: I think the same?M: They spray their poop?Laughter and poop jokes ensue.
This daughter of mine... she lights up my life.
Tuesday, January 2, 2018
So appropriate
Have you seen this online:
How about we use predictive text to write our own epitaphs? Write “Here lies [YOUR NAME]. [preferred pronoun] was...” and let your phone finish the rest. Mine is: Here lies Heidi. She was very very tired and a few other things.
Classic.
How about we use predictive text to write our own epitaphs? Write “Here lies [YOUR NAME]. [preferred pronoun] was...” and let your phone finish the rest. Mine is: Here lies Heidi. She was very very tired and a few other things.
Classic.
Wednesday, December 27, 2017
Favorite
Ruby is the snuggliest kid ever. Yep, I made up a word, because it needs to exist to describe my child. Her love language is touch and she never gets enough hugs, kisses, snuggles, squeezes, or tickles. Her mornings begin and nights end with snuggles from me. In the morning, she comes flying into my room and she burrows in the warmth and blankets of my bed. She knows I am not a snuggler in the morning or anytime when I am sleepy. Her constant movement and twitching and stray curls tickling me in the face can irritate me when I am only half conscious. She knows this. So, she seeks out my hand under the covers and laces her fingers between mine and while holding hands, we doze until my alarm goes off.
It is the sweetest thing.
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